Gall: Packaging
Dec. 8th, 2002 07:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tmcgThere are three most popular lies. I can remember only two of them, but I have a third to replace whatever that other one was.
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I won't come in your mouth.
3. Pull tab to open.
"Pull tab to open" sometimes, as with cigarette packs, new VHS tapes, and new CDs, means "Pick with your fingernail in the direction of the arrow where the tab's supposed to be, fail to find it, crumple/dent/scar the package by digging harder and harder to scrape that nonexistent and/or fused tab end up into something you can pull, try to find another pull-uppable part of the wrapping, fail, resort to pen, scissors, nail file, or teeth. Important Note: Damage to package is a necessary and inescapable part of this procedure." Sometimes, as with ScoopAway, FedEx, and Priority Mail boxes, it means "Pull tab entirely off, dig finger into resulting hole, fail to snag the threadlike thing the tab was supposed to lead to, suck on your aching finger, swear a blue streak, resort to box cutter, scissors, chainsaw, jackhammer, etc. Same Important Note applies."
Another good variation on "Pull tab to open" is "Press here with thumb to open," most often found on food packages such as Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and Morningstar Farms Vegetarian Breakfast Patties. These instructions apply only if you are Edward Scissorhands or are otherwise equipped with industrial-edged carbon-steel thumbs.
Still another good variation is "Press and twist to open," usually found on the caps of plastic pain-reliever bottles. Only children have the manual strength and dexterity points to remove childproof caps. Unfortunately, adults who are attempting to remove childproof caps are usually arthritic or suffering from...well, pain. What the cap fails to append to its instructions is "When this fails, resort to sledgehammer."
It's a good thing we're tool-using Homo sapiens.
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I won't come in your mouth.
3. Pull tab to open.
"Pull tab to open" sometimes, as with cigarette packs, new VHS tapes, and new CDs, means "Pick with your fingernail in the direction of the arrow where the tab's supposed to be, fail to find it, crumple/dent/scar the package by digging harder and harder to scrape that nonexistent and/or fused tab end up into something you can pull, try to find another pull-uppable part of the wrapping, fail, resort to pen, scissors, nail file, or teeth. Important Note: Damage to package is a necessary and inescapable part of this procedure." Sometimes, as with ScoopAway, FedEx, and Priority Mail boxes, it means "Pull tab entirely off, dig finger into resulting hole, fail to snag the threadlike thing the tab was supposed to lead to, suck on your aching finger, swear a blue streak, resort to box cutter, scissors, chainsaw, jackhammer, etc. Same Important Note applies."
Another good variation on "Pull tab to open" is "Press here with thumb to open," most often found on food packages such as Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and Morningstar Farms Vegetarian Breakfast Patties. These instructions apply only if you are Edward Scissorhands or are otherwise equipped with industrial-edged carbon-steel thumbs.
Still another good variation is "Press and twist to open," usually found on the caps of plastic pain-reliever bottles. Only children have the manual strength and dexterity points to remove childproof caps. Unfortunately, adults who are attempting to remove childproof caps are usually arthritic or suffering from...well, pain. What the cap fails to append to its instructions is "When this fails, resort to sledgehammer."
It's a good thing we're tool-using Homo sapiens.
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no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 06:12 pm (UTC)I am also hopeless at unearthing (er, un-cellophaning?) blank VHS tapes. Oh, just flashed on a commercial, what the heck was it for? Simple drawing of a poor slob following some such instruction such as "pull tab" and having a huge boulder fall on him. Insurance advert, maybe? It used to make me laugh.
Wow, post fighting high. Stopping babble now.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 06:14 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-12-09 10:22 am (UTC)Darn, maybe I should have translated the other two, too. *g*
VHS cellophane/shrinkwrap/whatever is a bane of existence. It always seems to stand between me and the taping of a show that's just about to start.